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Conspiracy of the Heart

by Jessica Best and the Creeping Doubts

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1.
Little toad, looking upward with his eyes on the prize and his belly in the dirt Who knows where his mind has gone? He’s got no cause for hope but he’s got his game face on But you can’t blame him for wanting Blame the sky for being blue If it’s only second nature, could you blame me, babe, for wanting you? Little toad, what is your endgame? Do you think that you can change just by changing the view? Or is it more to keep your eyes off the chasm between what you are and what you want to do? But you can’t blame us for wanting, babe we’re drawn to what we lack If it’s only second nature, blame the sky for being black -and blame the stars and planets too -I’d blame them all if it would keep my eyes off you It’s just the battle lines I drew not brave enough to see it through Little toad looking upwards sometimes that’s all he and I can do
2.
you want a mystery, you’re dying for a taste searching out every lead while i’m searching your face and all evidence agrees that i’m a hopeless case though it’s not likely that you like me like i need it is so like me to get mired in the weeds i guess i’ll wait a while cause i want to believe i want to believe i want to believe in this conspiracy so let’s get a drink and i will overthink these clues set up a map with strings connecting me to you buddy, i’ve joined the ream of things you don’t think through but i’m optimistic so i’ll risk it, hey why not so fucking patient, almost stationary but: let’s give it one more shot cause i want to believe i want to believe so let’s give it one more beer, one more game of darts cause i want to believe in this conspiracy of the heart
3.
i met a guy on ok cupid he took me to wicker park, the museum of outsider art it’s interesting then he put his arm around me in front of a display about the armenian genocide, and i did not know what to say and frankly, i still don’t except that i will never find true love and i am gonna die alone seven billion people on this earth, and sometimes still i’m pretty sure that ship has flown i met a guy, a friend’s mover and he asked me out in real life, it was such a retro move that i was kinda charmed then it turned out he was forty and he’d voted twice for nader and i saw so many dealbreakers, they blotted out the table so that was that i will never find true love and i am gonna die alone it’s a masochistic hobby i should save my time and money and just stay at home another guy, we met for cocktails and totally unasked, he told me that he hated rap and he thought golf was art and look, i'm also white, so maybe this is hypocritical but when a white guy talks like that, it makes me count the minutes 'til i can just bolt but when i walked outside the bar i saw the moon was very pretty it was autumn in chicago although my love life’s shitty, i adore my town and my whole life is full of love, and everybody dies alone in the meantime i’ve got friendships and a real supportive family and this stone cold fashion sense and this phase won’t last forever, i will meet someone or just give up and live inside a cave, i will no longer have to shave my legs it’s not so tough and maybe start a coven, i mean i like secret clubs and shit and granted i’m not magic but i’d take the notes and make the snacks and babysit
4.
what are you looking for? what are you waiting for? what are you working towards, and do they all align? if we’re the sum of what we do, well tell me, who the hell are you? and can you say you’re on your side? you’ve been losing your own mind games listen everyone’s got problems but you’ve always got the same ones it’s the deja vu that gets you claustrophobic in your head you are no unbiassed witness blessed with less than zero distance lash your body to the mast no matter what the singing says! though there’s no way to shut it out; the call came from inside the house! and you’d love to go down swinging but it’s unclear where to aim when you’ve been digging in your soul for that illusion of control and you can feed and name your demons but that will not make them tame —they’ll bleed you just the same you’ve been losing your own mind games you never learned to play to win wouldn’t know where to begin and there’s a level where you’re terrified that you could be forgiven but c’mon kid set down that stone who ever told you to atone for the simple act of living? and it’s all been sung, but little darling, let the light in
5.
Stay Safe 02:40
I can’t blame you for feeling down ‘cause I am not a liar But if you’re low, take a walk around and if you’re cold, sit by the fire Make a list of what we’ve got left Although it’s shorter than before Doesn’t mean that it matters less If anything, it matters more And all the bands sing, “I’d die without you” Like that’s the height of romance Kind of funny just how fast we both knew: it sounds much sweeter in the abstract But stay safe out there Hope is in such poor repair Stay safe out there And come back home when you can find your way back home So make that stupid joke again ‘Cause there is bravery in laughter I’ll set it up and we can both pretend we have a say in what comes after And in the movies, it’s all so clear: Good prevails and cue the soundtrack We tell the stories we need to hear Like we can get what we have lost back But stay safe out there It’s half an order, half a prayer Stay safe out there And come back home when you can find your way back home Come back home if you can find your way back home Come back home if you can find your way back home

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released March 25, 2018

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Jessica Best and the Creeping Doubts Chicago, Illinois

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